In fact, experts say there are some common relationship fights that mean you should probably break up with your partner. As psychotherapist Cherrelle N. While fighting with your partner is only natural, how you fight, how often you fight, and what you fight about can make a huge difference between a lasting relationship and one that will eventually fail. According to Shorter, many couples struggle with knowing how to deal with conflict in a productive way, which leads to frequent tiffs over the same issues.
If you are fighting with your partner a lot about important things — like fidelity, money, marriage, life goals, jealously, and the like — now might be the right time to examine whether the relationship is truly working.
If a fight is ensuing over any of these 14 reasons, it might mean you should consider breaking up, according to experts. Of course, there will be white lies here and there e. If you and your partner are regularly fighting because one of you is dishonest when it comes to the big things — like where you spent the night — signs could be pointing towards a breakup. When fights start to pop up because you feel your values are being compromised in your relationship, this is a red flag. Jealously has a bad connotation for a reason — it can play against a relationship in a major way.
Fights due to jealously can tear a relationship apart and may even lead to controlling behavior. As David Simonsen, Ph. For instance, money tends to be a source of problems for many couples. If one partner wants to save money for a future with kids and a nice house, but the other wants to spend it on traveling or material items, it's going to cause problems. When returning to the discussion after the brief hiatus, both people will be in a better place to make real progress, Ostrander says.
Would you mind picking some stuff up? When the time comes to sit down and talk about solving conflicts, Grody says the most important thing couples can do is to listen — without interrupting. This can be more challenging than it seems. These small adjustments can prevent countless fights down the road, Grody says.
And of course, during any fight, insults and character assassinations should be avoided at all costs, according to Grody. Just as people have different love languages , Ostrander says we have different apology languages, too.
Contact us at letters time. Find out why you're arguing It can be useful to think of an argument like an onion. Try to start the discussion amicably. Don't go in with all guns firing, or with a sarcastic or critical comment. A conversation is unlikely to go anywhere productive unless both participants feel listened to.
Making your partner feel heard can be hugely powerful. And remember: you may not just be arguing the surface problem. Read more about emotional relationships with money. Keep tabs on physical feelings. Saying something you later regret because you were really worked up is only going to make the fight worse and can leave feelings seriously hurt.
Be prepared to compromise. Often the only way to reach a solution is for both partners to give some ground. If both of you stick rigidly to your desired outcome, the fight is probably just going to keep going and going. Sometimes, an imperfect solution is better than no solution at all. How not to argue There are lots of destructive things that people do in arguments that tend to make conflict worse rather than help resolve it.
Try to avoid any of the following: Stonewalling. John Gottman , world-renowned psychologist and relationship expert, says that one of the predictors of divorce occurs when a person consistently attacks her partner's character rather than isolating the specific issues that are upsetting. So, instead of saying, "Of course you didn't do the dishes again. You're lazy! You can say something instead like, "I feel frustrated when I come home to a sink full of dirty dishes.
Can we set up a schedule for our chores so this doesn't happen again? When we're arguing, there's a tendency to talk more than to listen. We're so eager to get our feelings out, we may not even hear what our loved one is trying to express. Batterson says that the person who has an issue is the one that needs to be listened to. She suggests that instead of immediately defending yourself, just listen and let your partner know that you heard them.
This approach is effective because it not only shows that you were listening, but that you understand what your partner was saying or where they were coming from. You're more likely to have a more productive dialogue instead of a full blowout argument when you just listen. The reality is that most of us recycle arguments and can almost exactly predict how our partner is going to respond, as if the discussion has been scripted.
If you want to fight better, change what you say—and how you say it.
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